Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I am banned from renting movies

or at least I should be. So this weekend Dave and I rented The Wicker Man and Lady in the Water. And where do I start??? The Wicker Man SUCKED!!!!!!! I really like Nicholas Cage, but I thought this movie was just bad. It takes place on a privately owned island in WA where this bizarre colony of women and a handful of men work live and have ritualistic sacrifices. So Nicholas Cage is a cop from CA who is investigating the missing daughter of his old flame who ran off years ago without ever saying goodbye. Well he shows up on this island to help her out and that's when the weird stuff starts. Just people acting weird, saying weird things, and it's mainly all women. There are a few men here and there, but none of them speak. In fact, in one scene I think it was a matter of not having a tongue, although they don't come out and show that. And he has no cell phone signal.

Anyway, the whole time he's looking for this little girl, and finding strange connections to this girl all over the island. And he's convinced she's going to be burned to death for some ritualistic day of Death and Rebirth to help the crops grow. So he's running around trying to find her, can’t get a cell phone signal anywhere, he thinks he sees the girl on multiple occasions, and manages to get himself nearly killed each time. He talks to the various creepy women of the island, who all give these little hints about what is going to happen, they say the little girl doesn't exist anymore, he finds a freshly dug grave, they say she's already burned to death, all this stuff that just confuses him. And they mention that he will meet the Wicker Man. Which of course, he has no idea what that's all about. And the mother of the little girl really isn't much help. She's kind of a poor pity me waif that got on my nerves after a while. But turns out her daughter is their daughter. Bet you didn't see that coming. And he finally meets up with Sister Summerisle who basically runs the island. She’s a real piece of work.

So eventually it gets down to the day of the Death and Rebirth. Everyone is dressed up as animals, wearing masks or heads of animals, and let me tell you, that part was CREEPY AS HELL!!! I was just disturbed beyond belief over that part of it. So he knocks this lady out who was getting dressed up as a bear, steals her costume, fights with Lee Lee Sobieski (which it made me incredibly happy to see him knock the crap out of her) and assumes the identity of the bear to prevent the women from burning the little girl. Still no cell phone signal. He walks with the women (in costume) to the field where the ritual is to begin. He sees his daughter standing tied to a large pole, in which she’s going to be burned, right? Well he runs up to the little girl and the woman who’s hanging out there watching over stuff, punches that lady and knocks her out and grabs the girl and takes off. So they’re running away from the women in the field, but the girl is running far ahead of him and he’s still in the bear costume, so he finally gets her to stop, takes off the costume and his cell phone rings. Finally!!! And then as he’s screaming “help us” he gets disconnected and no more signal. Duh!! I got so sick of that part of the story. There’s no damn service on the island you idiot!!! That should have been your first clue! So the girl has taken off again, is running far ahead of him, and he can’t keep up with her, but he can see her. Well then she runs through the edge of the woods into this clearing. Right to all the women of the island and to the arms of her mother, who is not surprised in the least to see her. And here is where I’m going to spoil the ending, so if you don’t want to know the end, don’t keep reading. But if you are still stuck in this stupid story the way I was, go ahead and continue, and save yourself the $4. So it turns out she wasn’t going to be sacrificed. He was. The woman start crowding in closer to him, tightening this circle, and he pulls out a gun, waving it around, threatening everyone, and finally starts shooting. Uh oh, no bullets. His dirty trampy ex girlfriend had taken them out of the gun. Sorry Nick, should have seen that coming, too. So the crowd finally pushes in and basically smothers him and has him pinned to the ground when a few guys come up and roll some big logs up under his feet. So they get his feet up in the air slightly, and he’s still laying down and along comes the bootch with the hammer! Yup, there go his knees. A version of hobbling him, just using his knees, not ankles. So one at a time his knees get crushed and he’s screaming in pain, and the reasoning why he’s the one chosen is because he’s not of the island, but is connected to the island. Through his daughter. And so he was chosen years ago to be the one to visit the Wicker Man. Which it turns out the Wicker Man is a 40 foot tall structure shaped like a person, made out of, you guessed it, wicker. Wood, branches, grasses, everything all woven and tied together to make a large man like structure in which there are already animals tied up in it. Guess they aren’t just about sacrificing people… So the little girl, his daughter, is the one who gets to run up to the Wicker Man and start the fire. And all the while the crazy freaks are chanting "The Drone Must Die."

And this part I borrowed from Wikipedia's review, because it will explain it best:

The girl was in no danger, and the islanders' true plan was to sacrifice Malus - his relationship with Willow was merely part of an elaborate plot to lure him to the island. They needed a stranger who was bound to one of their number, by blood. Though he fights back, he is ultimately burned alive in a 'wicker man'. As Malus is led back to the crowd of women, Sister Summerisle mentions that all the people on the island are her children. In a society of honey bees, all those in the swarm - with the exception of the queen - are brothers and sisters, and therefore all have the same mother. And as Malus is being sacrificed, the crowd of women chant, 'The drone must die', which is a reference to the male bee, known as a drone. When the drone mates with the queen, it dies shortly after, sacrificing itself for the better of the colony, so the people on the island represent a beehive society.

Conclusion: In my opinion, this movie sucked. And I would like a refund. I award it no points, and may there be mercy upon it's soul.

I’ll get to Lady in the Water another day, but the main point of my review for that movie is this: Sorry M, but you hit your peak with the Sixth Sense.

P.S. I just realized the 2006 Wicker Man is a remake of a 1973 version. So it's likely you already knew the ending. You're so smart.

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